• September 27, 2020

An affair – Are you seeing a married man?

By María Nandino

Are you dating a married person or do you plan to be with one? Be careful, because it is a trap that could have severe consequences. If you think it is a temporary thing, or you are just hanging out, the fact is that married men are so skillful in the game of love that when you least think, you end up entangled, and you could endure years of hard suffering. When a woman decides to be with a married man, it is basically because she is in a relationship with problems, she is vulnerable at that moment in her life, she has low self-esteem or she values herself little and feels worthless, or she feels she is not enough for a man to be devoted to her.

The typical words of a married man are: I cannot stand my wife; she is a witch; she disgusts me; I no longer have sex with her; we live as roommates; we are getting divorced; she threatens to kill herself if I leave her, etc. It leads you to think that he is suffering and married to a real witch and you may see him as the victim while you establish a bond. It is easy to start because in most cases for you, he is a successful person, you admire him, he’s Mr. Perfect, and you start by going out to dinner, attending a business together, etc., you know he flirts with you and maybe his attentions make you feel special.

Once you are inside, it is very difficult to leave, because the attentions and details that this man offers go with his promises of love and typical phrases. We were born for each other. I would have liked to meet you when I was single. You are the one who knows me best. You are my best friend. We have an incredible connection. Our bodies were made for each other. Can you imagine this big universe and yet we met? etc. This man gives you some of his time, he listens to you, tells you how incredible you are and you fall in love, and you think that life is just you and him. The truth is that it is you, him, his wife, his children and this clandestine relationship. You think this relationship is magical and special because there are never fights and plenty of understanding. Of course, there are no fights because you do not talk to him about the expenses of the house, the behavior of the children, the mortgage payments, etc. 

Think for a few seconds. If the wife is so bad, why does he not leave her? Because the reality is that, the married man will always want the best of both relations. He is interested in having that public image before society of being a respectable, married man in charge of the family, with the love of his children and that submissive wife who forgives everything, but at the same time likes to enjoy sex, sex and something else offered by the mistress. For this reason, they do not leave the wife to go with the other. There is always a “but” that the mistress accepts. I want to leave her, but the children are small. She has left me in debt with the credit cards, but as soon as I pay them, I will leave her. I was about to talk about the divorce with her, but she got ill and for now I cannot touch the subject. Between so many “buts,” he continues having dinner with the in-laws, he continues to go on vacation with his family, and he continues to enjoy the social and “respectable” life that his married position has to offer.

Meanwhile, the mistress who lives in this relationship is secretly expecting him to offer her a social status. The truth is it will never happen because she is the mistress and nothing more, and if one day he presents her as his “girlfriend” with his close friends, imagine what they would now think of you. Do you really expect him to make compromises with you? Forget it! It will not happen because he is already committed. Maybe he will go with you for a weekend to a remote place where he can hold your hand and make you feel proud of yourself, but when you came back, he will hide you again.

If you are thinking that the solution is for the wife to find out so she can set him free, since she is the only obstacle, don’t! Do not even think of sending her an anonymous call or leaving lipstick on his shirt for her to discover, because if that happens, he is going to walk away from you and ask you for time to fix the situation. While you give him time, he will be begging to his wife to forgive him, he will become the best husband, the best father, and he will deny you and say that you were just an adventure, that you are a crazy woman looking for him, etc. When things are settled, he might come back to you. But he will never tell his wife that you are the woman of his life, his best friend, etc. Most likely, the wife will forgive him and try to start from scratch, or maybe go to therapy, etc. Meanwhile, he commits to being the incredible husband he has never been, and while things calm down, he will only call you from time to time in secret, so as to not lose what he has with you.

Dating a married man leaves you frustrated, with painful and tremendous loneliness. You become that faithful woman, that unconditional lover who gives everything and only waits for those five minutes that he escapes to come to see you. At Christmas, he may hide in the bathroom to talk to you. On his birthday, you may celebrate it a day before or after, because that day his children will celebrate it. Do you know what the worst is? That if one day he became seriously ill, you will not be able to be with him. You will not be able to accompany him in the hospital, or be aware of him, and if he dies, you have no right to be there. You have no right to veil him and if you can go to his funeral, you will be sitting on the last bench in the church, mourning his death, and no one will give condolences to you, only to the wife. No one will know of your loss.

In addition, a married man is always comparing you to the wife, sometimes you will win, and sometimes you lose. He will become jealous and suspicious because he does not trust you, since you dated a married man; it is difficult for him to respect you. And what about that uncomfortable moment when you see him in a public place accompanied by the wife? That awkward “Hi Mr. Smith, how is it going!” You greet and disguise. Therefore, little by little you readjust your standards to give more. You think it is the right thing to do, and that is just a bad move in life. If your friends find out and try to advise you, you close your mind, because in your eyes, he is Mr. Perfect.

If you think your story is unique, it is not. There are countless thousands of similar stories, and all have the same ending. It is easier to win the lottery than for a man to divorce his wife and marry you. If you somehow do get married, his children and family may not accept you. In addition, the few lovers who have reached a marriage end up getting divorced in a short time, since starting a love story in these conditions always has consequences.

There is no positive reason to date a married man, you will never get out of it well, and you might earn yourself a few nicknames. There are women who last for years being the mistress while they are losing their youth and their opportunities. They will never have that one man just for them, and in the end, the married man stays with his wife and his family and you lose a life, your life!

No woman deserves to be “The Mistress.” Each woman deserves an exclusive relationship and a family of her own. If you’re in a relationship like that, cut it off.  No “We’ll talk about it,” or “This one last time,” or “I’ll say goodbye this weekend.” If you are going to finish it, do it already. Don’t look for him, don’t spy on his social media or his friends and family and do not hurt yourself looking at what he is doing. Do not ask him to get a divorce to be with you. If his relationship is really that bad, he must finish it by himself. If he really loves you, he will do the right thing to be with you. There are many unscrupulous men looking to have a mistress, and there are many vulnerable women looking for someone to love them. So, if you are in one of these painful relationships, please put an expiration date on it, and if he doesn’t offer you more in six months, please leave him. Remember that it is better to lose a good time than to lose a lifetime.

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